Behind Blue Eyes
by Shinigami709
Summary: Seto is awakened by a nightmare and reflects on himself, why he is the way he is, and comes to a decision. Probably should have rated this higher, but it's only a short rape reference not graphic and hints of abuse.


Behind Blue-Eyes  
  
I know I haven't updated anything in awhile. I've had computer problems and major writers block on It Started With Snow. I didn't forget about it, just put it on hiatus until something strikes me.  
  
Secondly, this song's bothered me long enough. I finally wrote a fic for it. I like it, but never expected it to go this way.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh!. I wish I did because I'd actually have money. Thus bringing me to point two: Suing me gets you nothing. I also don't own the song "Behind Blue-Eyes". That belongs to Limp Bizkit (and whoever he got the rights from).  
  
Warnings: No parings per se. Possibly slightly hinted Seto x Jou. Mostly Kaiba's thoughts on his life after a nightmare wakes him up.  
  
Notes: *-------* is a flashback  
~.........~ is song lyrics  
  
Please read and review. I like getting responses good or bad. Be aware, the flames will be used to make a map to Mirkwood so I can find Legolas (who I also don't own but would desperately like to.)  
  
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The young boy's cheek stung from the force of his adoptive father's hand. The boy had endured numerous beatings, slaps, and verbal abuse in the past. This was nothing new to him.  
  
"No matter what, they'll never get him. He will never hurt Mokuba while I'm alive." The boy vowed to himself. Some nights, it was the only thing that kept him going.  
  
"You better wise up, young man. You can't protect him forever! One day you'll have to choose: being my heir or saving your little brother!" The imposing man threatened.  
  
"I'll never fail to protect him. As for being your heir, it means little. If my brother's not with me, it's not worth having."  
  
As the youth threw the final insult, his adoptive father made a lunge for his son. The boy sidestepped the attack, put both small hands on the elder's back, and pushed as hard as he could. Just as the glass shattered, Seto Kaiba sat straight up in his bed, covered with a thin sheen of a cold sweat and breathing heavily.  
  
"So much for getting any sleep tonight." He thought. For the last three years nightmares of his adoptive father's death had been haunting him. Leaning back against the cool sheets, Kaiba allowed his mind to wander through his past  
  
~No one knows what it's like To be the bad man To be the sad man Behind blue eyes~  
  
Everyone saw him as being cold, careless, and an all-around jerk. However, nobody bothered to break through the cold exterior. If anyone dared, they'd have found that in the past, Seto was much like any of Yugi's group. When he was a child he was willing to play any game, befriend almost anyone, and he could trust people. That all changed when Mokuba was born and they lost both parents. Seto never blamed his little brother for landing them both in that orphanage. Then Gozaburo came in to their lives, adopted them both, and began Seto's training to take over Kaiba Corp.  
  
~And no one knows what it's like To be hated To be faded To telling only lies~  
  
*It was after being adopted that Seto began to change. In Mokuba's eyes his brother was slowly drawing in upon himself. Seto would stay locked in his room for hours on end working on school work, or something Gozaburo had given him to do. He also never played any more games with Mokuba, and during the brief times they'd see each other, it seemed as though Seto was trying to cover something up.  
  
Seto secretly hoped that Mokuba would never have to find out what had happened to him during the time their adoptive father was alive. Many nights Seto was beaten by Gozaburo. If something wasn't done perfectly, if Seto's grades dropped, if Mokuba disobeyed, it was Seto's fault and was beaten for it.*  
  
Seto sat up and put his head in his hands. He knew Mokuba had heard him getting hit. It wasn't a secret, really. The numerous bruises and cuts were enough evidence, however, Seto never complained or even cried in front of his adoptive father. He explained the cuts and bruises happened by accident but it silently hurt Seto more than anything Gozaburo could do to him because, Seto hated having to lie to his brother.  
  
~But my dreams, They aren't as empty As my conscious seems to be I have hours, only lonely~  
  
During the abuse, it was Seto's dreams and aspirations keeping him going., enduring the constant torture. He often wished for the day when he was free of his adoptive father's control and could do as he pleased. He wanted to take Mokuba somewhere, just the two of them. Seto never planned where they'd go, just somewhere where nobody would hurt them.  
  
On the outside, Seto seemed cold, distant, and empty. It was only a façade carefully built to keep Gozaburo from stealing all of Seto's humanity. Somewhere behind the hard exterior was a sweet, caring young man waiting for a chance to shine. One day, that young man would resurface and allow Seto to enjoy life as he once did but for now, all he could do was watch his soul die from within.  
  
My love is vengeance, that's never free. No one knows what it's like To feel these feelings, like I do. And I blame you~  
  
Some of the old Seto began to resurface when he was around Yugi and his friends. Occasionally Mokuba had commented on how different Seto acted around the group, particularly one Jounouchi Katsuya. On those occasions when Mokuba mentioned this, he saw the barest of smiles grace his older brother's face. It made the little Kaiba smile back. Some of the brother he knew was still in there.  
  
*One night, Seto had been in trouble for a grade on a paper for school. Along with Mokuba spilling his milk that night at dinner, it had all put Gozaburo in a foul mood.  
  
"Seto, come in here. We need to talk." The elder man commanded from his office.  
  
Seto walked in looking his adoptive father in the eye, never flinching. "Yes, sir?" It killed him to have to address him as Sir.  
  
"You know your grade is unacceptable. I will not have a moron taking over this company when I'm gone." Gozaburo said, getting up from his chair, walking to where Seto stood impassively. "Now, how to make sure you understand I'm not kidding..." he pondered out loud. He walked behind Seto and pushed the boy to his knees after relieving Seto of his jeans and sneakers.  
  
Seto knelt there awaiting the whipping to begin. He heard his adoptive father's belt being undone, when the sound of the belt getting removed from the loops wasn't heard, Seto was instantly afraid. Gozaburo had threatened many times to do this, but never went through with it.  
  
"Spread your legs like the whore you are." Gozaburo ordered. When Seto didn't respond, he cracked the boy with his open hand. "I said spread them. Do it boy, or I'll make this ten times harder on you."  
  
Reluctantly the youth did as he was told. He felt Gozaburo at his entrance for a brief moment before his world flashed a brilliant white and he gratefully passed out from the intense pain.*  
  
~No one bites back as hard On their anger None of my pain and woe Can show through~  
  
Due to that first rape and the countless times after, Seto never allowed anyone save Mokuba, to enter his heart. Now, as he began spending more time with Yugi and his friends, he wanted more than anything to change those thoughts. Ever since the Battle City tournament, Seto had unwillingly lost his heart to Jounouchi.  
  
"Thank you so much Gozaburo." Seto thought. "Because of you, I doubt if I'll ever be able to pursue Jounouchi. He tries so damn hard to breakthrough to what you thought you buried. If it wasn't for you and your precious company, maybe I could find out what real love feels like."  
  
Angry, oh yes, Seto couldn't work past the memories Gozaburo had left him with. Anytime he found himself lost in thoughts of the blonde, the pain returned to him, eating at him. It was a constant reminder of what he'd sacrificed long ago for Mokuba. Seto knew if he didn't give in back then, Mokuba would be the one broken. So, Seto put up all the walls to defend against the rest of the world, never showing anything but the cold mask he always wore.  
  
~Discover L.I.M.P Say it (x4)  
  
No one knows what it's like To be mistreated To be defeated Behind blue eyes~  
  
Seto wished he could open up to Yugi's group. They seemed to help each other out with their problems. He wanted that too. None of them knew what he endured as a child. Sure, everyone had their messed up lives, but none of them with possibly the exception of Jounouchi, had faced beating, rapes, and verbal assaults.  
  
Getting up from the bed, Seto went to his desk, opened the drawer, and pulled out his deck. On top as usual were his three Blue-Eyes White Dragons. Removing them from the deck, he replaced the rest of the cards in his desk. Opening another drawer, he took out a small journal. It was from when he was about ten or eleven. Inside the book was the Blue-Eyes that Mokuba had drawn for him. Somehow, that hand drawn card meant more to him than any of Seto's three real ones. Before acquiring the real Blue- Eyes, Seto's wish was to own one. Mokuba knew this and had worked on it all night. He had to sneak it to his brother because Gozaburo didn't approve of games.  
  
Taking all the dragons back to his bed, he kept thinking that as long as he had them all, he'd never be defeated. His three real cards had helped him in more than enough duels and brought Mokuba back from Noa's brainwashing, saving his little brother as they had times before. And Mokuba's card had saved him mentally when he was little. He knew with that card, a piece of his brother was always with him and this comforted Seto.  
  
~No one knows how to say That they're sorry And don't worry. I'm not telling lies.~  
  
There was nothing anyone could do to make Seto's life instantly change. He knew if Gozaburo still lived that he'd have never admitted he was wrong. The more he sat staring at the cards, Seto came to a tough decision.  
  
"It's over. He's gone and can't hurt me anymore. I'm going to stop all the lies. I don't have to act tough anymore. I can allow myself to break down the walls and defenses I put up so many years ago." Seto thought aloud.  
  
~But my dreams, they aren't as empty As my conscious seems to be. I have hours, only lonely  
  
My love is vengeance That's never free  
  
No one knows what it's like To feel these feelings, Like I do.  
  
And I blame you~  
  
Seto put the cards out on the nightstand beside his bed. Pulling the covers up and getting comfortable, he began to think about just how he was going to approach his newest problem. He wondered exactly how to ask someone out. He was going to allow one special person in his life again.  
  
"Gozaburo, you took everything I loved away from me back then. You won't do it anymore. Hopefully Jou will want to help me overcome being afraid of love. Rest assured old man, I was able to best you before, and I sure as hell don't plan on losing this time." Seto vowed before drifting off again.  
  
~No one knows what it's like To be the bad man To be the sad man Behind blue eyes.~  
  
For the first time in three years, Seto dreamt of nothing but his golden haired fantasy and a hopeful outlook for the future. If his eyes had been open, they'd have outshone the stars that were beginning to fade outside. Hopefully, the shadows of guilt and pain would never have to cross those beautiful blue eyes again.  
  
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Umm....ok, that was seriously strange. I don't know all of Seto's past so, things might be wrong. I hate writing things like this because I don't like beating up on my favorite characters. Oh well, he could have ended up like Ryou. At least I let Seto live!! Ok, it's 4 a.m. I think my brain just ran screaming out the door, I'm going to bed. =)  
  
Don't forget to use that pretty button that says to review!!! Ja ne! 


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